It's my Birthday!! Wheee! I'm Old!! (~-^)
Thanks, thanks, and special super-chocolatey thanks go to my friend, Silver, for sending me this wonderfully silly guest comic for my b-day! Some of my emotional fuses blew out, this last week, so I've been utterly unable to draw anything. I'm feeling better, today, but I've decided to take the rest of this week off, to fully recover from all the nasty stuff that's gone on, behind the scenes, and re-charge myself for working on the comic. But before I get into that nasty stuff, one more big DOUMO ARIGATOU GOZAIMASHITA, to Silver kun!
Now, for the nasty stuff. I'm not naming any names, though I know some of my good friends already have. I can't help what other people do, so I'm not apologizing for that for them. I would not insult them by doing so. I am truly grateful to them for standing by me and standing up for me, though. I've had so little of that in my lifetime, that it almost seems wrong to have it, now. I'm used to being the one standing up for someone else! This is a nice change, and it makes me feel very loved. *gives his good friends a group hug* Thank you, so much, for your love and support!!
It seems someone in the world thinks I'm the epitome of all evil, and out to completely ruin my best friend, because I gave an opinion the person didn't like. My opinion has been taken as a personal attack, which it was never meant to be. But some people are right, no matter what, once they've made up their mind that you are out to get them and are a generally ugly person. This, and the fact that my friends told me what others said about me, elsewhere on the web -- and they bashed me, not even knowing the facts or caring what they were -- really hurt me. I thought some of those people were my friends. I guess I was wrong. I felt sad and hurt. But not anymore. I'll tell you why, too.
One of my readers and friends wrote to me about this, and reminded me that these attacking people must consider me very important, to spend so much time bashing me, and that I should take the negative comments as a great compliment. Well, right now I'm trying to take it that way, even though it's hard, with my own self-esteem problems. She also said the people most likely to get this kind of attention are "often the brightest and most thoughtful." That makes sense, in light of knowing it was my reasons for my opinion that brought on the main round of nastiness. It has been my opinions that have spurred other rounds of nastiness, even though my opinions were nearly identical to those of some other people who did not get bashed for giving theirs.
Another friend says that these people must truly hate or loathe themselves, to be able to project such hatred onto me. This last bit makes me sad, because I know there's nothing I can do to help them out of that, when they hate me so much. But the former idea, that I'm somehow an important person to get this kind of bashing, gives me a kind of satisfaction, after I've thought about it for a while. The key is that they are unable to ignore me. They must attack me and badmouth me, to make themselves feel better. That is a sad, sad thing. But in retrospect, it is extremely gratifying, in a strange way.
This week, on top of everything else, I've also had to deal with my dad, another person who is so full of hate that you can feel its aura, as you walk past him. I have been trying so hard to stay out of his way and not cause any trouble for him or my mom! I clean my mom's kitchen for her, just about every day, whenever it needs cleaning. I do laundry. I feed the animals. I sometimes cook dinner. I had been, until recently, almost always making lunch for my dad, who then insisted that I eat with him so he could lecture me all through the meal about what a pathetic loser and failure I am. I have not once yelled back at him, since I've been here, as I used to do as a teenager, nor have I failed to do anything that has been asked of me. Yet, I'm still the most wretched person on the face of the earth, and a "sorry, no-good, son of a bitch." He was yelling at my mom when I was in the bathroom, the other night, getting ready for a shower. It was about me, about how I'm "not going to take" a job I'm applying for, because I'm a lazy bastard who doesn't want to work. He didn't bother to ask me whether or not I had even gotten the appointment with the agency -- which I had -- because he is (like these other attacking people) convinced I'm going to do the most heinous thing possible, regardless of any facts to the contrary. Like the others, he didn't want the facts, because the facts distorted his preconceived view of me. The force of his hatred reached me even in the bathroom, and made me so upset that I threw up for nearly 30 minutes. It's bad enough that he attacks me, but my mom should be left alone. There is no reason for him to attack her over something I've not even done. So, since then, I have not made lunch for him, again. I've tried being a good son, and this is what I get in return. So I will do what's expected of me, and no more, and I will leave and get out of his hair at the earliest possibility. The only reason I came here, at all, was because my mom invited me and wanted me here, so I wouldn't be sick in the heat. I'll continue to do anything my mom asks or needs, as she's helped me so much and loves me. I won't turn my back on those who have really helped me, unselfishly.
Sigh...but all these bad things must change. Someone has tried to make me feel unwanted everywhere I've ever been. I'm not going to stand for it, anymore. I have as much right to exist and to succeed and to be happy as anyone else does. So let them bash away at me. It's their karma that will carry the burden, and not mine.
It sure feels good to say that and know that it's true.
(^-^)
Kaichi
